Having a teenager presents some challenges because so many young people are responding to their hormonal inclinations without full knowledge of the benefits or consequences of sexual activity. Most people think it’s more difficult to raise girls for this very reason but I think it’s important to steer any child in the right direction, gender notwithstanding.
As a single mother, my daughter has witnessed a number of my relationships go south and has had a few attractions of her own go awry, at this point. I try not to worry but I do talk to her about my concerns just so I know that I am doing everything I can to properly guide her. So here’s are seven points I touch upon from time to time with my 16 year old sweetie.
1. SEXUAL CONTACT IS NEVER SIMPLE
It is common for society to glorify and demomize sex all at the same time. That leaves most people greatly confused and ashamed on a number of levels, most of them hidden. People should understand the deep level of energetic exchange made during intimacy. Iyanla Vanzant says “In To Me See” and I wholly agree. In John Baine’s “The Science of Love” he speaks of spiritual entities being born from sexual contact. They can be benevolent or malevolent depending on the nature of the sex and inevitably follows both parties.
Whether that’s entirely believable or not, there is definite an energetic or molecular imprint left on both partners during sex. Some may say that the female is more of a recipient and therefore more susceptible to any adverse effects after a sexual tryst or an unfulfilling relationship. I have warned my daughter that that could be true however, as everyone has a feminine side and an individual aura, we are all affected. It’s foolish to encourage men to behave like robots and not develop themselves emotionally and mentally.
As my daughter has been getting older and watching television and movies with me, she would often laugh at love sick women. Even now, she becomes annoyed in relationships but she never seems too affected. She is impressed by sweet gestures in real life and in media and I know she has had a few kisses but I can tell she hasn’t had sex yet because the intensity just isn’t there. I ask periodically just to be sure and I always reassure her that she can tell me. I do not want her to make errors because she doesn’t feel like she has anyone to talk to.
2. HONESTY OVER EVERYTHING ~ EMBARASSMENT IS UNDERTANDABLE BUT TEMPORARY SOOO LET’S TALK
When she first admitted to me that she had a boyfriend I burst into tears. I’ll admit it wasn’t the smoothest response. In my defense, I was extremely pregnant and hormonal and I had seen the boy in question claiming to be sexually active in a very very lewd fashion. The boy had sickened me before I even realized he liked my daughter. Something inside me saw it coming tho. Murphy’s law, Law of Attraction…whatevs.
She and I talked it out and I had to show her over time that my dramatic reaction was more about him and the way people generally think of sex as recreation more so than it me being sorrowful over her. I also had to promise not to cry or yell ever again, when she confides in me. I started to have talks with her more often so that she could become accustomed to telling me things and hearing me broach different topics. She has a natural aloofness that I think may be teen typical so I am an expert at persistently humorously gently pulling teeth. I am pretty sure I made it a point to be as cool as possible when I was her age but unlike me, my mother was both to afraid to talk to me and convinced I was the whore she was afraid I could be. I was a virgin like my daughter and had a very non-communicative strained relationship with my parents.
In stark contrast to my teen days, I ask a lot of questions about her life and feelings and she laughs because I am “such a mom”. I make jokes and I tell stories about how I might have run into similar scenarios and she seems to appreciate my accessibility. When someone carries her books and walks her to class I gush and *awwww* with her. When someone asks her for sex with no relationship “cuz she’s cute” I cuss a blue streak and she knows it’s coming because she’s my special hunnybee and I’m insulted…and I am happy she’s insulted too.
For a long time I lurked on her Instagram and she was okay with it. A few of my male friends are on her friend lists on social media and we all know that they are there as fatherish virtual sentinels. No one is as vigilant as I am tho so I spent a year or so getting a feel for what this generation was up to and what she was experiencing. I have since started my own account because I had gathered enough to know that sex was of great importance to her peers and they seem quite advanced. They seemed to be having way more sex than me and my peers actually and well, I had to simply deal with that . Although talking about it feels weird for her, I point out that it’s everywhere and it would behoove us to stop pretending it isn’t. So we get into it and we laugh a lot and I cry a little still but only when I get choked up telling her how much I love her.
Embarrassment is a doorway to vulnerability tho and I want her to own her body, her self esteem and her entire being. If she is able to openly discuss things like vaginal health and fear of rejection with me, she can take away a priceless sense of well being from those conversations. By making sure that my daughter always feel whole, I hope she won’t fall prey to someone haphazardly pretending to complete her or even fool herself into thinking she requires completion.
3. NATURAL BIRTH CONTROL IS VERY COMPLICATED. UNNATURAL BIRTH CONTROL CAN BE VERY HARMFUL
Since I have raised her to be weary of western medicine and drugs on a whole, I have not encouraged her to take any birth control. Condoms have even been known to cause an imbalance in vaginal chemistry and I would prefer that she does not incur too much damage from these things. I know that other people take such things very lightly, as if vaginas were made for itching. I beg to differ. I know that much of these synthetic materials are carcinogens and it’s important that she knows this rather than blindly let disease develop.
I have had great success with lemon water douching for birth control. A few teaspoons of lemon juice with water added to a douche bottle or bag and used immediately after sex flushes and neutralizes sperm. The key to having success with that method is to not languish and allow nature to take too much of it’s course. While I have told my daughter about this method (as well as diaphragms and cervical caps), I reminded her that A. you must be very adamant about hurrying to the bathroom to do this so as not to get pregnant and B. it does not guard against STD’s.
I sometimes think about my college days and clubbing in my 20’s and I think of the overly agreeable mood a person may be in after a few drinks, let alone marijuana, lean, Ecstasy and a few mollies. I don’t want to be naive about what’s going on. I just don’t. I tried to warn her about the fluidity of sex and those overwhelming sensations and the fact that responsibility may be the farthest thing from her mind at some points. She usually just nods and I am always gazing intently into her eyes asking her if she understands. Ultimately we have agreed that if she feels overwhelmed by or anticipates any warm and fuzzy feelings and thinks she needs to take precautions, she will tell me, we will discuss her options and proceed accordingly.
4. A LACK OF GENITAL HEALTH COULD BE SEXUAL TRANSMITTED…OR NOT
Still, the state of our sexual centers must be addressed. First she had to understand all matters of unrest that could befall the genitalia regions. Turns out all the talk about oral sex and menage a trois episodes amongst her peers had not included STD awareness. I went into detail about everything from yeast infections to crabs to AIDS. While there is much to be learned in school and the media about treating certain conditions, not many people encourage children to love and become familiar with their genitals. I have decided to use the terms Yoni for my daughter and maybe Lingham for my boys.
It is important for them to know and feel their own power, electricity and light. It is important for them to take good care of their intimate parts and not to allow or enforce any abuse upon anyone. If used properly sex can promote healing, regeneration and longevity. If used to fuck, punish and drain, it can lead to misfortune, sadness and death.
As an herbalist I know that any physical symptom or diagnosis can be reversed. As an holistic healer, I know that permanent reversal of an STD or sexual center ailment requires healing of the entire being including heart issues, thoughts and diet. As an alchemist I know that circumstances such as an STD could be a means to an end, opening us up to wisdom, healing energy and higher vibrations.
5. I AM ALWAYS HERE
Never will I not be available. Period.
6. HAVING CHILDREN BEFORE YOU’RE READY CAN GREATLY ALTER YOUR PLANS
My teen has plans on becoming famous. She intends to make films and star in them. She already has great editing and directing skills and has been in plays and on local television. I just want her to be aware of her goals and make choices that streamline her life in the direction she wants. Being a mom is awesome but I want her to plan with precision and achieve everything she desires.
7. YOU WILL BE LOVED NO MATTER WHAT
Whatever happens I will always be her biggest fan. She does not have to solicit affections from anyone because she is love personified knowing that she is loved so intensely. There is no deficit there, no hole to be filled. I believe that is my job as a parent.
8. LOVE, UNDERSTAND AND PLEASE YOURSELF FIRST
Restated in some ways but of extreme importance. I think it is necessary that while children learn discretion and a reasonable amount of consideration, they should never know shame. Shame is a close cousin to guilt and it breeds dis ease. That said, I encourage my daughter to look at her Yoni, touch it, know it’s smell and taste. I have always given her privacy as her body is her own. Since we are our own physicians (in my family) we must know our selves better than anyone else and take full responsibility for our well being. No one should be able to love and take care of her Yoni better than she.
Knowing that I have planted seeds of awareness and self worth in her makes me feel better about the faulty depictions and lasciviousness that is rampant in pop culture. I know that Nicki Minaj is not a big sister to my daughter because my daughter sees her selling her sexuality at the cost of her dignity.
One last bonus statement for all to live by:
THERE IS A TIME AND PLACE FOR EVERYTHING.
A piece of wisdom from my mother and I believe the Beatles as well. “Twerking” is an great example of something that could be right but done in the wrong time and place. Thesea are movements that bring life energy, blood circulation and oxygen to the sex centers. They facilitate birthing, even on a spiritual level. They also incorporate a much fuller range of movements than bouncing cakes and there was a time when men danced to free their energies as well. Dancing and sacred movement has long ago lost all meaning, effectiveness and even age appropriateness on a mass level due to society ignoring the right time and place factor. The practice of breathing and moving with the intent to heal is now left to the advanced primitives and the mystics.
I know my daughter will be a wise woman who understands her passions, her affections, her warmth and her fire. I am teaching her to use her sexual energy as the life force that it is to enrich her being on every level. I hope that other parents could instill in their children the same empowerment and that we can finally see a shift in how we all treat ourselves and one another.